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LA Baby Doll's Life Story I am a latina old gangsta (O.G.) who was raised in the streets of Santana AKA Santa Ana, California. All of my familia was in gangs, one was also taken away (killed) by the same gang. 5-sister and one brother. One sister was killed. My brother been in and out of prison due to gang life and drugs. When my father passed away, I was always getting my ass kicked by my older sisters and brother (I was the youngest). I attempted suicide on more than one occasion. It was either by drug overdose or cutting my wrist (of course I was usually wacked out myself). I also tried to drown my pain by slicing my legs & wrist, I even visit my enemies at other barrios to see if they would do me the favor and kill me, but I guess I had a guardian angel with me at all times (or I guess I had some kind of purpose in life). Of course my enemies thought I was crazy thinking that I had a gun, and therefore, left me alone. I know it doesn't make sense. But life never makes sense, unless you make sense out of it. Prior to my father passing he was very abusive, especially to my mother. He would beat me and my brother until we were black and blue with whatever he could find, I would lock myself in the closet and not come out until he calmed down, he was an alcholic. I ran away on many occasions, of couse the law came after me. I was kicked out of high school due to my voilent behavior. My father passed away when I was 14 years old. I had to find a job to support my mother, I also had to learn to drive, since she had medical problems. At that time it was only my mother, brother who usually wacked out on drugs and myself. My mother never worked a day in her life other than being a house wife, my brother and a couple of my sister's never finished school and therefore, did not know how to read not even spell their name. I started my difficult journey out of gangs and drugs when I found out I was pregnant at 15 years old. I knew that I did not want this kind of life for my baby. Unfortunatley, my familia did not support my views, and called me every name in the book from trader to stuck up, of course there were names that I do not wish to say. Therefore I cut ties with them. I lived off the streets and of course eat off the streets or sleep at my friends house. After having my son I went back to school obtain my GED, I then went to college. The most painful thing in my life was loosing my mother, passing without her forgiveness. My mother dis-owned me when she threw me out of the house, All I could remember is that she wanted me to have an abortion. Then she said I was the trouble maker in my familia because I would defend my nieces and nephews from my drunk or drug addict sisters. She had said that I must be the problem because all of my 5 siblings had problems with. I remember one incident that threw me out of my mother home this is when my sister came home one day and was either drunk or druged or both, she was out of her mind. She yelled at my neice and pushed her threw a glass shower door, broke her little arm. My neice was only about 7-year old. I started fist fighting with my sister yelling at her that she will never touch my neice again. But my mother told me that this was my sister right. I said no it wasn't she then threw me out of the house. Needless to say that I was so 'CONFUSED'. As I was portrayed as the problem child. At a very young age as far as I can remember, my sisters and brother would always tell me that I was either adopted or taken away from my real familia. As I always wanted to do good, my sisters were much older than I was. About 8-yrs apart. I did not speak with my mother for over 8 years until she passed away a few years back. On her death bed I believe she tried to ask for my forgiveness. She was paralized due to the severe stroke she had. When I walked in to her hospital room, my sisters were all there, she did turn her head towards me (I was told she couldn't move) she tapped her right hand and fingers to say to me please sit down next to her, she was breathing heavinly, gasping for air, I sat next to her, I was very scared, not knowing if she still hated me (since all I could remember was the last thing she left on my answering machine a few years back, stating that I wasn't her child and she hated me, she had found me and raised me) she had a tear coming down her face, I finally said to her that I loved her no matter what happed in the past she was still my mother and it was ok to leave now go with dad I forgave her to move on, she then looked up at the ceiling with tears flowing down her face we held hand, she appears to be seeing someone up there perhaps my father or an angel coming to take her away, then silentley passed away. My sisters became so mad at me yelling that I killed my mother by telling her to move on and that it was ok to die. She was on life support and it was inpossible for her to move her head or hand this was a miracle in itself. I was very hurt because the day of her stroke, it took a week until I was notified by a neighbor of her condition. I have been told by friends that it was like she holding on to life and waiting for me to show up at the hospital for waiting for forgiveness before she could move on. Well my sister did not want me there. Well as the story goes my sisters did not want me there, but as always, I was stuck with my mother's funeral espenses since I had a good job and made more money (they were on welfare). I still attended her funeral/mass. But I felt so alone because nobody wanted me there. The only support I had was my three boys and co-workers. The sad thing is that my boy's didn't get to know their grandmother. I wish they did. I believe that she was a wonderful person, if it wasn't for my sisters and brother pressuring her. My boy's still doesn't know their aunts and uncle. Although, I hear my sisters became reborn christians if you can believe that, yet they have yet to come around or to call their own children. The cycle begins, all of my sisters threw my nieces and nephews out of thier houses at a young age, I have raised most of them, I'm glad and pleased to say they never been in gangs or drugs and have familia of their own and call me mother. I now have extended familia. However, to make a long story short. I am a survivor. I earn a good living and own a big home, live in a good neighborhood. I am engaged to a wonderful man who is going to law school (also a chicano and former X-gang member from East L.A.). I have accomplished alot in my life. I am respected by professionals. Although, I sometime have prejudice because of my tatoos (especially on my hands). But my thoughts are that if they don't want to associate with me then this is their loss. I raised my boys and extended familia with full knowledge of gangs, prejudice and helping others that are less fortunate. Not to underestimate people and not to take people for granted. Especially our raza. Of course there is alot more to say about my life story. I just thought I would drop you a line by saying there is a way out of gangs, and to enrich your life by education. You can alway make things right with your life by your own familia and friends you meet on the way out of gangs. I am no longer 'confused'. I know that it was not me who was the problem, it was my familia and myself affiliated with gangs and drugs. According to rumor's my is now in the big house, housed with Richard Ramirez and was with Charles Manson pretty hard core huh. My nephew writes to him in prison. I hope this helps some one in need. I would like to help any way I can. La Baby Doll de Santana |