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When Things Were Better by Gangsta Queen I often find myself wondering. My mind wanders back to a time, when life was grand, when i laughed and smiled so much i thought my face was going to freeze like that. My mind drifts back to the "gully", back to Sasado and her pups, back to Toffee and her owners, back to the alley and the bikes and the logs, back to the deer, back to watching them clean up after a motorcycle accident in which the rider was to never ride again. I miss those days and i would give my life to have them back. I miss sitting in my room with friends, watching movies with my siblings, playing "grounders" and swinging on the flying foxes, getting hit in the face with the tire swing, and basically having a carefree life. Then i come back to reality, to the sound of a bell, the sounds of fighting, yelling, and swearing. Back to reality i am forced and i remember that I’ll never have it again no matter how much i long for it. But my mind doesn't like where it is now. I remember my past and relive it like the future. At other times my mind drifts back to when i was happy and i couldn't stop smiling when someone called. When i thought life would get better. Back to the car ride and saying "moo" at every heard of longhorns i saw, back to being boxed in by semis and curling up against his chest, back to the mall and the CD store and the baby furniture store, back to the apartment and the couch and laying on the floor talking on the phone, curled up on the bed writing him a letter, having him read it then assure me he'd never leave; Getting coffee spilled in my hair in the car and having the shower smell like it the next morning; Back to the hotel falling asleep on the floor waiting for when we could leave, back to sitting literally on top of him driving a friend home then having to lay on him with my legs on the suitcase because it was too big for the trunk, falling asleep my hand in his, then waking up the next morning and falling asleep beside him, going to Starbucks then to the book store and looking at books, flying home the next day and calling him wishing i was back there. I miss those days, as everyone does, but my longing is worse. I wish i could go back, and until i can i cannot move forward. It's destroyed my life, hell what hasn't, but my life will never be the same. I will never smile with the same innocence i did when i was a child playing in the gully flying head over heals on a crazy carpet after going over the jump; never again will they hear the same laughter, see the same smile, hear the same speech, and yet everyone forces me to do it. So i do; every smile, every laugh, every innocent word is spoken and yet it causes me pain because i will never again be the same as i once was. "Life Changes" that's what everyone says, but for some it's easy other's it's the hardest thing they'll ever do. I would give everything I've done for the past 6 years just to go back to when I was truly happy. Never again will i smile the same, laugh the same, and talk the same. I am no longer the princess, the angel that everyone knew. What's evolved is something that no one who has known me these past whatever years can recognize me. |