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The Meaning of Love
The meaning of Love I started writing a response to a post last night before I left work, and continued on it tonight when I came in – I wrote three pages about relationships, before I realized that I what I was writing is something that needs to be written and perhaps sent to you at a later date, or posted so others can read it, but not how I should respond to your post. How I should respond to your post is to talk about what it means to love someone. Ok, you might be sitting there going, wait a second, I know what it means to be in love, but that is not what I said I needed to talk to you about. There is a difference between being in love and loving someone – it is the difference between emotion and choice. Understanding that difference and what these two statements mean and how they interact with one another might help you with your confusion about what to do, or help you make the choice that you need to concerning these relationships. Let me start by having you considering 1Cor13:4-7: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud, it is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserveres.” As you consider this verse, consider how love is defined – it is defined as an action, not an emotion. When most of us think about love, we think about romantic love – about desire to be with that other person, the happiness and joy they bring into our lives, how our lives seem fuller when they are around, and empty when they are not, these are all emotions. These are the things we look for and draw us to one another when we first met– what is defined as romantic love, or being in love. Guess what, these emotions never last – sometimes they don’t make it through the first date, and sometimes it takes longer for them to evaporate, but eventually the feeling or emotion of being in love give way to the reality of the world and our short comings. According to Dr. Dorothy Tennov, a psychologist, that has a done long-range studies of the in-love phenomenon or obsession (her words, not mine) and found that these emotions last about 2 years on average, though it can be much less if tragic events occur or longer if the relationship is secretive. What happens when we loss that loving feeling, when we fall out of love. That depends on your understanding of love. Gary Chapman wrote in “Hope for the Separated” (page 62): “many will say ver sincerely, “I just don’t love him/her anymore. I wish I could, but to much has happened.” The thesis of that statement is that love is an emotion, a warm bubbly, positive feeling one has for the member of the opposite sex. You either have it or you don’t. If you don’t there is nothing you can do about it. You must simply move away and hope that you may find it with someone else someday, somewhere. That concept of love has been one of the greatest contributors to divorce in our generation. It makes marriage (relationships) hopeless, and divorce (breaking up) inevitable if one dos not have a certain emotions, we are pawns to whatever cause our emotions. Thus, man is no longer responsible for his actions. Behavior is explained in terms of being true to one’s feelings. Nothing is right or wrong. Man simple does what he feels like doing. Such a philosophy enslaves man to some greater unknown cause behind his emotions.” If we except that love is an emotion, this is what we are faced with, but if you recognize that love is a choice, an action, and an attitude, the we can say: “I want to do everything in my power to help my mate (boyfriend/girlfriend) grow as a person. I want to meet all of his/her needs that lie within my power to meet. I want to help him over emotional and social hang-ups. I want to help him reach all of this potential for God and good in the world” (“Hope for the Separated” page 63) The truth of the matter we have very little control over our emotions – our past relationships and experience, our current circumstances, stress about life and work, how much or little sleep we have gotten, even the weather effect our emotions. The only control or influence we have on them are our actions and attitudes – and we can choose to have a loving attitude and to act in love, and guess what, those attitudes and actions nature desire, happiness, and joy in our significant other and in our self’s. Ok, I hope you can see the difference between loving someone and being in love with someone – but what about your situation. You have been in a long distance relationship with Julie for quite awhile, and many times she just isn’t there when you want or need her to be – and your emotional needs are not being met. Then comes Angela, still a long distance relationship, but she is there and meeting your needs – and you find yourself being drawn to her, and thinking about leaving Julie… maybe that is a little over simplified, but that is the just of what you shared with me. So you have to decide which path you are going to take, you can let your emotions rule over you, or you can take action – and that is completely up to you. I am not saying that you should stay with Julie or leave her, you need to look at your relationship with her the things you have told her and promised her and decided what is right, but you need to make a choice, and let either her or Angela know – you need to make it so you wont be confessed about what going on in heart and head, you need to make it so you don’t hurt these two woman. It isn’t an easy discussion, believe me hommie – I feel you, there is a reason I have Gary Chapman’s book. The only other advice I can offer is to suggest several books that you might consider reading. The Bible – written by the hands of men but authored by God OneLuv |