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The Truth Comes Out

Aiigh, this is gonna be harsh for some to read, but I want to get the truth out. I haven't been able to sleep all night cuz I've been reading this book that says that if you have hidden, bad memories you can get them out by talking about them and confiding in those you trust. Well, I see you all as the family I so desperately needed and wanted and I trust yall, so Imma tell yall bout my life.

My mama was a drunk. A really bad one and I was a little girl, bout the ages of 3-5. I don't remember a lot cuz I blocked it all out and everything, but the things I do remember was that one night when my mama was drunk she was mad at my neighbor and wanted to beat her ass so my mama punched her fist thru the big bay glass window. I was supposed to be sleep upstairs, but was downstairs and took the glass shards out my mama's hand and cleaned her hand up. Got the blood off of her and tried to ease the pain. My daddy was too fucked up off cocaine to do anything so I did it. Then I went back upstairs and wondered if this was what a normal life was like. Then on my 5th birthday, my mama put herself in rehab. It was the best birthday present ever. I was thrilled to death. I remember going to visit her. She always cried and I didn't know why. Now though, I know she cried cuz she was ashamed and wanted help. She came outta rehab and went to AA meetings daily/nightly. She wanted to change.

Then in my life, when I was 5 I was molested by my babysitters son. I remember I walked in and gave his mama a hug and he asked where his hug was, so I gave him a hug and he pulled me up onto his lap and molested me right then. Then one other time I remember was my mama came to get me and the babysitter said I was upstairs watching movies with her son. My mama didn't like that idea cuz he was between 10-13 (I don't remember) and she came up to get me and I was laying on the bed, no movie was on. He had been doing things to me, but had stopped when he heard somebody coming up the stairs. My mama picked me up and took me outta the house and I never went back as far as babysitting went. Then we moved to my hood. I was about 12 and was at a party, walking home thru the short cut, it was all trees and a big ass fence. It was my hood and I thought Id be safe getting home. Then some enemies saw me and grabbed me. I was raped by both of them. I never told anyone till last year and then it was only my best friend, X boyfriend and a really close friend.

Then when I was 13 years old, I was runnin from the neighborhood crime watch and my parents one night with some friends and we got spilt up. It was right after my birthday and I had my brand new Nike pullover coat on. I loved it. That night two drunk men came out there house and tried to rape me. I was beat up, had a black eye, my brand new coat zipper was ripped to shyt, and my shirt was almost ripped off of me. I only got away cuz the guys were drunk. The police came out and looked around the house and no one came outside then. Then later that year, my good friend Jamie was killed, she died in a car accident. She was only 12. I hid my pain on that by fuccing up my life some more. I started smokin weed more often, drinking too. I already smoked cigarettes. Started fighting at school..numerous thangs. Then when I was about 15 I was raped again. This guy got me really drunk, twisted on cocaine and high as a kite and raped me 5 times. I didn't tell anyone and to this day no one knows about this except now yall. My parents wouldn't believe me anyway.

I've been jumped, molested, raped, almost killed, and lost numerous friends. Then I started sleeping around, and have gone thru 9 partners. I always knew my partners names, where they lived, who they were, who they hung out with..but it never ment anything to me. I slept with them to make them happy so that they would love me. It didn't work. No one loved me. Then more of my friends starting dying...lost a lotta friends in 17 years of life..it's a shock now that I think about all those I lost..tonight I was out on a date with King and he hates country music and so do I, but I had this feeling a good song would come on so I put it on that station, sure enough the song my friends Bryan, Cameron, Melissa and I used to sit around and sing while we smoked and sat in the sun of summertime came on..Desperado..Bryan is now dead..has been for 3 years..he died when he was 17. That whole time that song was on...I was thinking of him and missing the old times. He always tried to get me to sing the soprano part..but he was much better at it then me..I miss those times with all my heart. I can kind of understand now why I have acted the way I have all my life. and always hurt people.

See, I was always hurt in my life. My parents always did drugs, now my mama drinks agian religiosly. After 10 years of being sober..she's a total drunk again. Drinks nightly..last night I was here with King dying my hair and she just came out and started calling me names cuz she was drunk and on pills...I don't know how she can do this and say she loves me. It doesn't make any sense to me. I would like to say that I barely smoke weed anymore..maybe once every 2-3 months and drinking..barely...and if I do drink, it's like 1-2 maybe 3 spiked lemonades or wine coolers. The other day I drank a 22 ounce of beer...and couldn't even finish it. I don't see so much the point. I miss drinkin wit my homiez, and smokin..but since there not here anymore there's really no point in me continuing to do it you know? Also, it's hard for me sometimes with King, cuz he doesn't gang bang, sometimes I think it's too good to be true and that I don't deserve somebody like him who loves me the way he does..times like tonight, I wonder why I got him. and when he's gonna realize he's much better then me and walk out on me and leave me lonely. I think Im gonna stop writing now cuz I dont know what else to say and this is really long..I guess I'll talk to yall sometime..

Shadow