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Look at My Life

when i was 11 i was livin in and out of group homes and durring that time i was a troubled kid. i was running away and doing whatever i could so i didnt have to be in the house and one day i was sittin the park wit my girls mya, ruth ,vero ,and chantel you know just chillin we always stuck together cause we was all the family we had .

well we had seen him and his homeboys from across the park they all came and tried to bust a mac they're names were joe,eric ,jose,juan,and miguel and us being 11 we was all for having the boyfriend thing they were just like us. but only they had family. but they were disfunctional. we all soon became real close everyone had a man and a girl the boys were of course older than us by 2years.

well me juan had they best time together. we all skipped school togehter went out togehter it was us non stop. juan talked to me about givin me the better things in life and how hed do anything to do it. i kept tellin him i didnt need all that but he wasnt hearing it he just kept on about how hes tired of living the way hes livin and the fact that there was just never enough of anything urked the shit out of him. he said all he wants is to be out of the hood and have what his parents never could or would give him so him and the other niggas stayed cool until they met this sly talking nigga named bono.

me and my girls knew he was a sureno. well he got juan and the rest of them boys all gased up on promises of what the surenos could givew them so they all came back and asked us. no let me re phrashe that they told us they were going to join. we begged and cried till our eyes were swollen we finally gave in and walked them to their "initiation". to "family" in the park we pleaded the whole way there. but for some reason mya and vero were hysterical we couldnt get them to stop cryin and when they were gettin they ass beat half to death the horror on our faces were nothing to be matched me and ruth and chantel had to hold vero and mya back. mya was jumping and screaming and trying to break free from our grasp to get to jose. she was begging and screming me and ruth were silent all we could do was put our hands over theyre mouths and hold them down. chantel had to retreat in to small corne.r when it was over there was no feeling in our legs to move.

they were like now were real familia. then bono and the rest of the gang left but not with out slappin my ass saying calm down we didnt beat them that bad nubia. i guess he called me nubia since iwas the only black girl in a group of mexicans but till this day i hate the name nubia. when i walked to juan he could barley breathe. i was cryin by the time i had got the courage to kneel down and hold him. mya crawled over to jose screamin at him and the rest of them how fuckin foolish this shit was and if they was real fuckin familia the wouldnt have fucked them up like this. chantel had miguel in her arms cradling him to sleep ruth held on so tight to eric that the blood from eric seeped through both her shirts. vero just sobbed on joes chest while he held her it was so hurtful that i can barley stand to think back to thatday.

we spent the night out there in park and the next morning they boys was gone. we didnt here from them for 2 weeks it was so hard we thought them damn fools was dead but by the grace of god they were. just with there homeboys us girls kept our distance from the surenos. but soon the it became inevtiable we got lost in the money and soon introduced into drugs. mya was constanly on coke and vero on heroin me and ruth weed and liquor. chantel said she wasnt on nothing but it turns out bonon was puttin acid in her. 2 years later when i was 13 and juan was 15 i had gotten so into that we eventually joined. but the older girls didnt beat our asses we were in automatically. we wore nothing but blue our her in long ponytails resting on the right shoutlder blue dice hair tyes. i mean decked out. we were on coke weed acid any kind of drug that we could get in our system was in our system but we didnt see how far we were fallen, just as long as the money kept coming and we could keep buyin what we wanted we were cool.

the years went by but still i could see the unhappyness in juans eyes. he stared to change and stayed gone alot and soon he started hitting me. i used to fight his ass off every week but it was even worse beacuse mya would be getting beat up so bad in the next room that miguel,chantel ,and i would run over to the room and pull jose off of her .vero was on heroin so bad she couldnt even function right. problems began to get heavier i think the cold reality of life hit me when we were in the first drive by of our lives. we all got in three cars supposedly going to a movie when we hear click clikc boom that was the most fatal deafinig noise ive ever heard. i could nt breathe think or move i was still as we rolled on i looked at the window at a girl about my age and her nigga drowin in a pool of his own blood.

my silent tears rolled down my face as i stared out the window it was like when i looked at her my life was in slow motion. then it got worse. from then on i lived in constant fear. when the rival gang did attack back iwas counting my blessing that none of us got hit. but one night we were all chillin on the porch all of us were fucked up when i finally was on the recieving end of the gun. after everything was over and done with we all came out of hiding only to be shattered by the screams of joe hovering over vero crying. vero had been hit two time in the chest. barely holding on vero spent 2 days in the hospital then she finally let go of joe and slipped on to tha other side.

a month later joe overdosed on heroin. he couldnt take the loss of vero his first love and lover from then on we moved like soliders it was hard for juan to lose a homeboy but even harder for me to lose a sister.

we stuck close for the remainder of the time evrything went smoothly after that. we all went calm and layed low during that time. juan had promised to get out and we'd leave with all the money he had. but then the surenos had bef wit someone else so juan miguel joe and eric left with some otha fools and they never came back they were all shoot to death in the car.

i hated to go up to the place and i dentify there bodys. it was the most painful thing i could have ever done. a year later mya killed herself by drowning in the fuckin ocean.

chantel drove herself fuckin insane to the point where she now lives in a mental institution. ruth and i roll on in painful silence. we have breakdowns along way thei realized my baby died trying to get out and i lost more than i ever had.

so when i say to dont join that means dont join