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Reflection

ive been doin so much thinking today. tryin to make justice for the things i used to do. make it look right, like it wasnt so bad. but, now it finally hit me. what shouldve been so clear. i am who i am, my past i should hold dear. God knows im far from perfect. yet, i am accepted in his eyes. so why do i try so hard to cover up my life with lies?

i cant deny who i am, or my past. so why is it that i still try? everynight i cry myself to sleep. thinkin about all my homies i have lost, thinkin of the pain i alone have caused. its my family that i have hurt the most. what was i thinkin everytime i went out that door? not carin if id see my moms face again, not carin if id live another day. bringin thugs infront of the house where my lil' brother would play. sporting colors, flashin signs....bringin the drama my familias way. why didnt i care? someone answer me please. why couldnt i of been the good daughter, that my moms needed so much out of me to be? instead of helpin her out.....i left her to do it all alone. im tryin so hard to put pieces back together. my familia isnt the best. alcholics, abuse, and neglect. but, my family is my family....how dare i to try to forget.

i feel sorry for the lost youth, who seek the comfort of gangs. theres so many other things to do, to find support, love and respect. but for the most of us, by the time we learn that....its too late. Nobody has time for God, or church on sunday. but u better believe everyone has time to party and drink all day. im nolonger going to deny anything. im a Crip.....inactive, but still thats who i be. im a friend, sister, daughter, and soon to be mother. once a hard azz bitch, drug abuser, never sober. but, now im clean, happy, not afraid of love. i have a life now. but, everything in my past makes me who i am. i am stronger than most, not bc of my battle scars...or the color of my rag...but, bc of who i am, my faith and my belief. i am proud of me. ~blueangel